第138章 第十四章
第十四章
列文结婚三个月了。他很幸福，但完全不是他所预期的那种幸福。每走一步，他都发现以前的梦想破灭了，而新的、意想不到的幸福惊喜又接踵而至。他很幸福；但一踏入家庭生活，他每走一步都看到，这与他想象的情形截然不同。每走一步，他都体验到这样一种人的感受：他曾在岸上欣赏一只小船在湖面上平稳快乐地航行，而一旦自己上了这只小船，才发现原来并非只是安坐不动、平稳漂流那么简单；他必须时刻思考，一刻也不能忘记自己飘向何方；而且脚下就是水，必须划桨；他那不习惯划桨的手会磨得很痛；看起来轻松的事情，做起来虽然快乐，却非常艰难。
独身时，看到别人婚后的生活，看到那些琐碎的操劳、争吵、嫉妒，他只是在心里轻蔑地一笑。在他未来的婚姻生活中，他坚信，绝不会有这类事情；他甚至幻想，就连外在的形式也必然与别人的生活在各方面截然不同。可突然间，他与妻子的生活非但没有按照他独特的模式建立起来，反而完全是由他从前最鄙视的那些最微不足道的琐事构成的，而现在，这些琐事，不由他作主，竟获得了非凡的重要性，根本无法与之抗争。列文看到，安排好所有这些琐事远非他以前想象的那么容易。尽管列文自认为对家庭生活有着最确切的理解，但像所有男人一样，他无意识地把家庭生活想象为爱情的最大享受，没有任何阻碍，也没有任何琐事来分心。他构想自己的角色应该是，他做自己的工作，然后在这工作的间隙里享受爱情的幸福。她应该是被爱的，仅此而已。但是，像所有男人一样，他忘记了她也需要工作。他感到惊讶，他那富有诗意、精致优雅的基蒂，不仅在婚后头几个星期，甚至头几天，竟然会去思考、惦记、操心台布、家具、客人用的床垫、托盘、厨子、午餐等等事情。还在他们订婚期间，他就被她那种明确的态度打动过，她拒绝出国旅游，决定下乡，好像她知道她想要什么，除了爱情之外还能考虑别的事情。当时这曾让他感到不快，而现在，她这些琐碎的操心和忧虑又几次三番地让他不快。但他看出，这对她是必不可少的。而且，由于他爱她，尽管他不明白这些琐事的意义，对家务事也加以嘲笑，却还是情不自禁地欣赏它们。他嘲笑她安排他们从莫斯科运来的家具的方式；重新布置他们的房间；挂窗帘；为客人准备房间；为多莉准备一间房；为她新来的女仆安排住处；向老厨子点菜；跟阿加菲娅·米哈伊洛夫娜发生冲突，从她手里接管储藏室的账目。他看到老厨子如何微笑着，欣赏她，听着她那毫无经验、根本办不到的命令，阿加菲娅·米哈伊洛夫娜又如何带着忧伤和温柔，摇着头，看着这位年轻女主人新布置的一切。他看到，当基蒂哭着笑着跑来告诉他，她的女仆玛莎习惯了把她看作小姐，所以没人听她使唤时，她是多么异常地可爱。他觉得这很可爱，但也很奇怪，心想，没有这些事也许会更好些。
他不知道她正在经历多么巨大的变化；她在娘家的时候，有时想吃点称心的菜肴或糖果却未必总能如愿，而现在她可以随心所欲地订购东西，成磅成磅地买糖果，想花多少钱就花多少钱，想点什么布丁就点什么布丁。
她现在正愉快地梦想着多莉带着孩子们来做客，尤其是因为，她可以为孩子们订制他们爱吃的布丁，而多莉也会赞赏她所有的新家务安排。她自己也不知道为什么和有什么必要，但料理家务对她有一种不可抗拒的吸引力。她本能地感觉到春天临近，也知道会有天气恶劣的日子，所以她尽其所能地筑造自己的巢，同时急切地筑巢，并学习如何筑巢。
基蒂对家务细节的这种关心，与列文对崇高幸福的理想如此相悖，起初曾是他失望的原因之一；而这种对家务的甜蜜操心——其目的他虽然不理解，却又不得不喜爱——则成了新的幸福惊喜之一。
他们的争吵，是另一种失望和幸福的惊喜。列文从未想过，他和妻子之间除了温柔、尊重和爱慕之外，还会出现别的关系；可就在最初的那些日子里，他们竟然吵了一架，以至于她说他并不关心她，他只关心他自己，还大哭大闹，挥舞着手臂。
这第一次争吵起因于列文去了一个新的农舍，因为想抄近路回家而迷了路，多耽搁了半个小时。他回家的一路上，心里只想着她，想着她的爱，想着自己的幸福，离得家越近，他对她的柔情就越浓。他带着这种感觉冲进房间，那感觉甚至比他当年去谢尔巴茨基家求婚时还要强烈。可突然间，他迎面碰上了她从未有过的一种阴沉表情。他想吻她，她却推开了他。
“怎么回事？”
“你倒是开心了，”她开口了，竭力想显得平静而恶毒。可一张嘴，一连串的责备、毫无道理的嫉妒、以及那半个小时里她一动不动坐在窗边备受煎熬的一切，便都倾泻而出。直到这时，他才第一次清楚地明白了他在婚礼后领她走出教堂时还不明白的事情。他现在感到，他不只是和她紧紧相连，甚至分不清哪里是他、哪里是她的界限。他从此刻所体验到的那种令人痛苦的分裂感中意识到了这一点。瞬间他感到受了冒犯，但与此同时，他又觉得他不能生她的气，因为她就是他的一部分。最初那一刻，他感觉就像一个突然被人从背后狠狠打了一下的人，愤怒地转过身来，想要报复，寻找打他的人，却发现自己其实是自己无意中打到了自己，根本没有可以发怒的对象，只能忍住，并且想办法减轻痛楚。
后来他再也没有如此强烈地感受过这一点，但这第一次，他很久都未能从这种感受中挣脱出来。他本能的情感促使他为自己辩护，向她证明她错了；但证明她错了就意味着进一步刺激她，扩大那道裂痕，而那道裂痕正是他所有痛苦的根源。一种习惯性的冲动驱使他摆脱责备，把过错推到她身上。另一种更强烈的冲动则驱使他尽快弥合裂痕，不让它扩大。承受这种不公正的责备固然痛苦，但通过为自己辩护而让她受苦则更糟糕。就像一个半醒着却承受着剧痛的人，想把疼痛的地方撕掉、扔掉，但清醒过来后，才发觉疼痛的地方就是他自己。他别无他法，只能尽力帮助疼痛的地方去忍受，他正是这样尝试的。
他们和好了。她承认自己错了，虽然嘴上没说，却对他更加温柔，而他们在爱情中也体验到了新的、加倍增长的幸福。但这并未阻止这类争吵再次发生，而且频率极高，起因也常常是最出人意料、最微不足道的小事。这些争吵往往源于他们还互不了解什么事情对对方是重要的，在这个初期阶段，两人又时常情绪不佳。当一个人心情好，另一个心情不好时，和平尚能维持；但当两人恰巧都心情不佳时，争吵就会由一些事后根本想不起来、莫名其妙的小事引发。的确，当他们两人心情都好时，他们生活的乐趣就会加倍。但即便如此，他们婚后的这个初期阶段对他们来说仍是一段艰难的时期。
在这段早期时光里，他们始终有一种特别强烈的紧张感，一种仿佛被拴在一起的链条向相反方向拉扯的感觉。总的来说，他们的蜜月——即婚后的那个月——按照传统，列文对它期望甚高，却不仅不是一个甜蜜的时期，反而在两人的记忆中都成了他们一生中最痛苦、最屈辱的阶段。后来，他们都不约而同地试图从记忆中抹去那个病态时期里所有怪诞、丢脸的事情，在那段日子里，他们两人都很少处于正常的精神状态，很少真正是他们自己。
直到他们婚后第三个月，在他们去莫斯科住了一个月回来之后，他们的生活才开始变得平稳起来。
Levin had been married three months. He was happy, but not at all in
the way he had expected to be. At every step he found his former dreams
disappointed, and new, unexpected surprises of happiness. He was happy;
but on entering upon family life he saw at every step that it was
utterly different from what he had imagined. At every step he
experienced what a man would experience who, after admiring the smooth,
happy course of a little boat on a lake, should get himself into that
little boat. He saw that it was not all sitting still, floating
smoothly; that one had to think too, not for an instant to forget where
one was floating; and that there was water under one, and that one must
row; and that his unaccustomed hands would be sore; and that it was
only to look at it that was easy; but that doing it, though very
delightful, was very difficult.
As a bachelor, when he had watched other people’s married life, seen
the petty cares, the squabbles, the jealousy, he had only smiled
contemptuously in his heart. In his future married life there could be,
he was convinced, nothing of that sort; even the external forms,
indeed, he fancied, must be utterly unlike the life of others in
everything. And all of a sudden, instead of his life with his wife
being made on an individual pattern, it was, on the contrary, entirely
made up of the pettiest details, which he had so despised before, but
which now, by no will of his own, had gained an extraordinary
importance that it was useless to contend against. And Levin saw that
the organization of all these details was by no means so easy as he had
fancied before. Although Levin believed himself to have the most exact
conceptions of domestic life, unconsciously, like all men, he pictured
domestic life as the happiest enjoyment of love, with nothing to hinder
and no petty cares to distract. He ought, as he conceived the position,
to do his work, and to find repose from it in the happiness of love.
She ought to be beloved, and nothing more. But, like all men, he forgot
that she too would want work. And he was surprised that she, his
poetic, exquisite Kitty, could, not merely in the first weeks, but even
in the first days of their married life, think, remember, and busy
herself about tablecloths, and furniture, about mattresses for
visitors, about a tray, about the cook, and the dinner, and so on.
While they were still engaged, he had been struck by the definiteness
with which she had declined the tour abroad and decided to go into the
country, as though she knew of something she wanted, and could still
think of something outside her love. This had jarred upon him then, and
now her trivial cares and anxieties jarred upon him several times. But
he saw that this was essential for her. And, loving her as he did,
though he did not understand the reason of them, and jeered at these
domestic pursuits, he could not help admiring them. He jeered at the
way in which she arranged the furniture they had brought from Moscow;
rearranged their room; hung up curtains; prepared rooms for visitors; a
room for Dolly; saw after an abode for her new maid; ordered dinner of
the old cook; came into collision with Agafea Mihalovna, taking from
her the charge of the stores. He saw how the old cook smiled, admiring
her, and listening to her inexperienced, impossible orders, how
mournfully and tenderly Agafea Mihalovna shook her head over the young
mistress’s new arrangements. He saw that Kitty was extraordinarily
sweet when, laughing and crying, she came to tell him that her maid,
Masha, was used to looking upon her as her young lady, and so no one
obeyed her. It seemed to him sweet, but strange, and he thought it
would have been better without this.
