第一百四十六章 第二十二章
第二十二章
阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇早已忘了利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人，但她却没有忘记他。在他孤独绝望、痛苦不堪的时刻，她不请自来，径直走进他的书房。她看到他双手抱头坐在那里。
"我违背了禁令，"她快步走进来，因为激动和走得急而气喘吁吁。"我全都听说了！阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇！亲爱的朋友！"她继续说道，热情地双手紧握着他的手，用她那忧郁美丽的眼睛凝视着他。
阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇皱着眉头站起来，抽出手，给她挪了把椅子。
"您请坐，伯爵夫人？我今天不见客，因为我身体不适，伯爵夫人，"他说，嘴唇抽搐着。
"亲爱的朋友！"利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人重复道，目光始终没有离开他，突然她的眉毛内侧向上扬起，额头上形成一个三角形，她那丑陋的黄脸变得更丑了，但阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇感觉到她在为他难过，快要哭了。他的心也软了，他抓住她丰满的手，亲吻起来。
"亲爱的朋友！"她声音颤抖着说。"你不该让悲伤压垮。你的悲痛是巨大的，但你该找到慰藉。"
"我被击垮了，我毁灭了，我已经不是人了！"阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇说，放开她的手，却仍然凝视着她泪汪汪的眼睛。"我的处境如此可怕，因为我无处寻找，无法在自己内心找到支撑我的力量。"
"你会找到支持的；去寻找吧——别指望从我这里，尽管我恳请你相信我的友谊，"她叹了口气说。"我们的支持是爱，是他赐予我们的爱。他的担子是轻省的，"她说，带着阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇十分熟悉的狂喜神情。"他会是你的支持和援助。"
虽然这番话里带有那种为自己的崇高情感而感伤的意味，以及那种最近在彼得堡流行的新的神秘热情，在阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇看来有些过头，但现在听到这些，他仍感欣慰。
"我很软弱。我被击垮了。我什么都没预见到，现在什么都不明白。"
"亲爱的朋友，"利季娅·伊万诺夫娜重复道。
"不是失去我现在没有的东西，不是这个！"阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇继续说。"我不是为那个悲伤。但我无法不在别人面前因自己所处的境地感到屈辱。这是不对的，但我没办法，没办法。"
"那崇高的宽恕之举不是你完成的，我为此感动得狂喜，其他人也都如此，而是他，在你心中做工，"利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人说，狂喜地抬起眼睛，"所以你不必为你的行为感到羞耻。"
阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇皱起眉头，弯起手指，把指节捏得咔咔作响。
"必须了解全部事实，"他用尖细的声音说。"人的力量是有限的，伯爵夫人，我已经到了极限。一整天我都得安排各种事情，安排家务——（他强调"产生"这个词）——从我新的孤独处境中产生的家务。仆人、家庭教师、账目……这些针扎般的刺痛刺穿了我的心，我无法承受。吃饭的时候……昨天，我差点从饭桌上站起来。我受不了我儿子看我的眼神。他没有问我这一切是怎么回事，但他想问，我受不了他眼中的神情。他不敢看我，但这还不是全部……"阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇本想提到送来的那张账单，但他的声音颤抖起来，停住了。那张蓝纸的帽子缎带账单，他只要一想起就不禁自怜自艾起来。
"我明白，亲爱的朋友，"利季娅·伊万诺夫娜说。"我全都明白。你无法在我这里找到援助和安慰，尽管我来此只是为了尽力帮助你。如果我能替你去掉所有这些琐碎、屈辱的烦恼……我明白需要一个女人的话语，一个女人来操持。你愿意托付给我吗？"
阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇默默地、感激地握着她的手。
"我们一起照顾谢廖沙。实际事务不是我的强项。但我会着手去做。我会做你的管家。不用谢我。我这样做不是出于我自己……"
"我不能不感谢您。"
"但是，亲爱的朋友，不要让你说的那种感觉占上风——为基督徒最高的荣耀感到羞耻：'自卑的，必升为高。'你不用感谢我。你必须感谢他，向他祈求帮助。只有在祂里面我们才能找到平安、安慰、拯救和爱，"她说，眼睛望着天上，开始祈祷，从她的沉默中阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇猜到了这一点。
阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇现在听她说着，那些以前在他看来即使不讨厌也至少夸张的言辞，现在在他看来既自然又令人欣慰。阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇以前不喜欢这种新的狂热。他是个信徒，对宗教的兴趣主要在于其政治方面，而这种敢于提出几种新解释的新教义，正因为它为讨论和分析铺平了道路，所以在原则上令他不悦。迄今为止，他对这种新教义持冷淡甚至对立的态度，而对于被它迷住的利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人，他从未与她争辩，只是以沉默刻意回避她挑起的争论。现在，他第一次愉快地听她说话，内心没有反对。
"我非常、非常感谢您，感谢您的行动，也感谢您的话语，"她祈祷完后，他说道。
利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人再次紧握她朋友的手。
"现在我要开始履行我的职责了，"她停顿片刻后，擦去泪痕，微笑着说。"我要去看谢廖沙。除非万不得已，我不会来打扰您。"她站起身走了出去。
利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人走进谢廖沙的房间，泪珠滴落在那受惊孩子的脸颊上，告诉他父亲是圣人，母亲已经死了。
利季娅·伊万诺夫娜伯爵夫人履行了她的诺言。她确实承担起安排和管理阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇家务的责任。但她说实际事务不是她的强项时，并没有夸大其词。她所有的安排都必须修改，因为无法执行，而这些修改是由阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇的贴身男仆科尔内完成的，尽管没有人意识到，这个人现在管理着卡列宁的家务，并在给主人穿衣时悄悄而谨慎地向他报告所有他需要知道的事情。但利季娅·伊万诺夫娜的帮助仍然是实实在在的；她在精神上支持了阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇，让他意识到她对他的爱和尊敬，更重要的是，她几乎使他皈依了基督教——也就是说，她把他从一个冷漠、漠然的信徒变成了一个热烈而坚定的新基督教教义信徒，这种教义最近在彼得堡日益流行。阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇很容易就相信了这种教义。阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇，实际上和利季娅·伊万诺夫娜以及持有相同观点的其他人一样，完全缺乏生动的想象力——这是一种精神能力，凭借这种能力，想象力所产生的概念变得如此生动，以至于必须与其他概念以及实际事实相协调。他并不认为死亡对于非信徒存在而对他不存在这种想法有什么不可能和不可思议之处，而且，既然他拥有最完美的信仰，其程度的衡量标准由他自己判断，因此，他灵魂中没有罪恶，他正在人间体验完全的拯救。
确实，阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇隐约感觉到这种信仰观念的谬误与浅薄，他明白，当他毫不认为自己的宽恕是某种更高力量的作用，而是直接屈服于宽恕的情感时，他感受到的幸福比现在每时每刻都想着基督在他心中、签署公文也是在执行祂的旨意时更多。但对阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇来说，这样思考是必要的；他在屈辱中需要有一个崇高的立足点，哪怕只是想象中的，一个被所有人鄙视的他可以反过来鄙视他人的立足点，他像抓住唯一的救星一样，紧抓着自己得救的幻觉不放。
Alexey Alexandrovitch had forgotten the Countess Lidia Ivanovna, but
she had not forgotten him. At the bitterest moment of his lonely
despair she came to him, and without waiting to be announced, walked
straight into his study. She found him as he was sitting with his head
in both hands.
“_J’ai forcé la consigne_,” she said, walking in with rapid steps and
breathing hard with excitement and rapid exercise. “I have heard all!
Alexey Alexandrovitch! Dear friend!” she went on, warmly squeezing his
hand in both of hers and gazing with her fine pensive eyes into his.
Alexey Alexandrovitch, frowning, got up, and disengaging his hand,
moved her a chair.
“Won’t you sit down, countess? I’m seeing no one because I’m unwell,
countess,” he said, and his lips twitched.
“Dear friend!” repeated Countess Lidia Ivanovna, never taking her eyes
off his, and suddenly her eyebrows rose at the inner corners,
describing a triangle on her forehead, her ugly yellow face became
still uglier, but Alexey Alexandrovitch felt that she was sorry for him
and was preparing to cry. And he too was softened; he snatched her
plump hand and proceeded to kiss it.
“Dear friend!” she said in a voice breaking with emotion. “You ought
not to give way to grief. Your sorrow is a great one, but you ought to
find consolation.”
“I am crushed, I am annihilated, I am no longer a man!” said Alexey
Alexandrovitch, letting go her hand, but still gazing into her brimming
eyes. “My position is so awful because I can find nowhere, I cannot
find within me strength to support me.”
“You will find support; seek it—not in me, though I beseech you to
believe in my friendship,” she said, with a sigh. “Our support is love,
that love that He has vouchsafed us. His burden is light,” she said,
with the look of ecstasy Alexey Alexandrovitch knew so well. “He will
be your support and your succor.”
Although there was in these words a flavor of that sentimental emotion
at her own lofty feelings, and that new mystical fervor which had
lately gained ground in Petersburg, and which seemed to Alexey
Alexandrovitch disproportionate, still it was pleasant to him to hear
this now.
“I am weak. I am crushed. I foresaw nothing, and now I understand
nothing.”
“Dear friend,” repeated Lidia Ivanovna.
“It’s not the loss of what I have not now, it’s not that!” pursued
Alexey Alexandrovitch. “I do not grieve for that. But I cannot help
feeling humiliated before other people for the position I am placed in.
It is wrong, but I can’t help it, I can’t help it.”
“Not you it was performed that noble act of forgiveness, at which I was
moved to ecstasy, and everyone else too, but He, working within your
heart,” said Countess Lidia Ivanovna, raising her eyes rapturously,
“and so you cannot be ashamed of your act.”
Alexey Alexandrovitch knitted his brows, and crooking his hands, he
cracked his fingers.
“One must know all the facts,” he said in his thin voice. “A man’s
strength has its limits, countess, and I have reached my limits. The
whole day I have had to be making arrangements, arrangements about
household matters arising” (he emphasized the word _arising_) “from my
new, solitary position. The servants, the governess, the accounts....
These pinpricks have stabbed me to the heart, and I have not the
strength to bear it. At dinner ... yesterday, I was almost getting up
from the dinner-table. I could not bear the way my son looked at me. He
did not ask me the meaning of it all, but he wanted to ask, and I could
not bear the look in his eyes. He was afraid to look at me, but that is
not all....” Alexey Alexandrovitch would have referred to the bill that
had been brought him, but his voice shook, and he stopped. That bill on
blue paper, for a hat and ribbons, he could not recall without a rush
of self-pity.
