第一百五十一章 第二十七章
第二十七章
语法课后是父亲亲自授课。谢廖扎坐在桌前等父亲时，一边用铅笔刀在桌上刻划，一边陷入沉思。他散步时最喜欢做的事就是寻找母亲。他根本不相信人会死，更不相信母亲会死——尽管利季娅·伊万诺夫娜这么说过，父亲也证实过——正因如此，自从被告知母亲去世后，他每次散步时都在寻找她。每个身材丰满、体态优雅的黑发女人都是他的母亲。一看到这样的女人，他心中便涌起一阵柔情，连呼吸都停滞了，泪水涌上眼眶。他踮起脚尖，满怀期待地等着她走近，撩起面纱。整张脸都会露出来，她会微笑，会拥抱他，他会嗅到她的芬芳，感受到她手臂的柔软，幸福地哭起来——就像那个傍晚，他躺在母亲膝上，她挠他痒痒，他一边笑一边咬她戴着戒指的白皙手指。后来，他无意中从老保姆那里得知母亲并没有死，而父亲和利季娅·伊万诺夫娜却向他解释说，母亲对他而言已经死了，因为她很坏（这他根本不信，因为他爱她），于是他继续用同样的方式寻找她、期盼她。那天在公园里，有一位穿丁香色面纱的女士，他心跳加速地盯着她，以为她就是母亲，沿着小路向他们走来。但那位女士并没有走近他们，而是消失在某个地方。那天，谢廖扎对母亲的爱比以往任何时候都更强烈；此刻等父亲时，他把一切都忘了，用小刀在桌子边缘划着，两眼放光地望着前方，沉浸在对她的思念中。
“你父亲来了！”瓦西里·卢基奇唤醒了他。
谢廖扎跳起来，走到父亲面前，吻了吻他的手，专注地望着他，想从他脸上找出他获得亚历山大·涅夫斯基勋章后的喜悦痕迹。
“散步愉快吗？”阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇说，在扶手椅里坐下，把《旧约》拿到面前翻开。虽然阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇不止一次告诉谢廖扎，每个基督徒都应该熟悉《圣经》历史，但他自己在讲课时却常常翻阅《圣经》，谢廖扎注意到了这一点。
“是的，非常愉快，爸爸，”谢廖扎说，侧身坐在椅子上摇晃着——这本来是不允许的。“我看见了娜金卡”（娜金卡是利季娅·伊万诺夫娜的侄女，在她家长大）。“她告诉我您得到了一枚新的勋章。您高兴吗，爸爸？”
“首先，请不要摇晃椅子，”阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇说。“其次，珍贵的不是奖励，而是工作本身。我希望你能明白这一点。如果你现在学习、用功是为了得到奖励，那么学习就会显得很困难；但当你工作时”（阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇说这话时，想起了他如何在责任感支撑下，完成了上午繁重的工作——签署了一百八十份文件），“热爱你的工作，你就能在工作中找到回报。”
谢廖扎眼中原本闪耀的快乐和温柔的光芒黯淡了，在父亲的目光下垂下了眼帘。这是父亲对他一贯采用的、早已熟悉的语气，谢廖扎已经学会了顺应这种语气。父亲对他说话时——谢廖扎这样觉得——仿佛是在对他想象中的某个男孩说话，一个书本里才有的、完全不像他自己的男孩。谢廖扎也总是努力在父亲面前扮演那个书本里的男孩。
“我希望你明白这一点？”父亲说。
“是的，爸爸，”谢廖扎回答，扮演着那个想象中的男孩。
这堂课的内容是背诵《福音书》中的几节经文，并复述《旧约》的开头部分。《福音书》的经文谢廖扎背得相当熟练，但在背诵时，他过于专注于观察父亲额头上突出的骨节，结果思路中断，把一节经文的结尾和另一节的开头搞混了。阿列克谢·亚历山德罗维奇显然看出他并不理解自己在背什么，这让他很恼火。
他皱起眉头，开始解释谢廖扎已经听过很多遍却始终记不住的东西，因为他理解得太透彻了——就像“突然”是表示行为方式的副词那样。谢廖扎用惊恐的眼神望着父亲，心里只想着父亲会不会像有时那样让他重复刚才说的话。这个念头让谢廖扎如此害怕，以至于他此刻什么都听不懂了。但父亲没有让他重复，而是转而讲《旧约》的内容。谢廖扎对事件本身复述得还不错，但当需要回答某些事件预示着什么时，他就一无所知了，尽管他在这门课上已经受过惩罚。当他完全说不出话来，开始坐立不安，用小刀刻桌子、摇晃椅子时，正是要他复述大洪水之前的先祖名字。他一个都记不起来，除了以诺——那个活着升天的。上次他还记得他们的名字，但现在完全忘了，主要是因为在整个《旧约》中，以诺是他最喜欢的人物，而以诺升天这件事在他脑海中与一连串漫长思绪联系在一起；此刻他正沉浸在这些思绪中，痴迷地盯着父亲的表链和背心上半开的一颗纽扣。
对于人们经常向他提起的死亡，谢廖扎根本不相信。他不相信他所爱的人会死，尤其不相信自己会死。这在他看来是完全不可思议、绝不可能的事。但他被告知所有人都会死；他甚至问过他信任的人，他们也证实了这一点；他的老保姆虽然不情愿，也这么说。但以诺没有死，因此并非所有人都会死。“为什么别人就不能这样侍奉上帝，活着升天呢？”谢廖扎想。坏人，也就是谢廖扎不喜欢的人，他们可能会死，但好人都可以像以诺一样。
“那么，先祖的名字是什么？”
“以诺，以挪士……”
“你已经说过了。这很不好，谢廖扎，非常不好。如果你不肯学习一个基督徒最应掌握的知识，”父亲站起身来，“那还有什么能让你感兴趣呢？我对你很失望，彼得·伊格纳季奇”（这是最重要的老师）“也对你很失望……我得惩罚你。”
父亲和老师都对谢廖扎不满意，他的功课确实学得很差。但不能说他是笨孩子。相反，他比老师举为榜样的那些男孩要聪明得多。在父亲看来，他是不想学那些教给他的东西。实际上，他是学不进去。他学不进去，因为他自己灵魂的需求比父亲和老师对他的要求更有约束力。这些要求相互对立，他直接与教育产生冲突。他九岁了，还是个孩子，但他了解自己的灵魂，这灵魂对他弥足珍贵，他守护它就像眼睑保护眼睛一样，没有爱的钥匙，他绝不让任何人进入他的灵魂。老师们抱怨他不肯学习，而他的灵魂却充满了对知识的渴望。他向卡皮托内奇学，向保姆学，向娜金卡学，向瓦西里·卢基奇学，就是不向老师们学。父亲和老师们指望用来转动他们水车轮子的那股泉水，早已在源头枯竭，但它的水流却在另一个河道里发挥着作用。
父亲惩罚谢廖扎，不许他去看望利季娅·伊万诺夫娜的侄女娜金卡；但这个惩罚对谢廖扎来说却成了好事。瓦西里·卢基奇心情很好，教他做风车。整个晚上他都在做风车，并梦想着做一架能让自己站上去转起来的风车——抓住风车的叶片，或者把自己绑在上面旋转。整个晚上，谢廖扎都没有想母亲，但上床后，他突然想起了她，用自己的话祈祷，希望母亲明天在他生日那天不再躲藏，能到他身边来。
“瓦西里·卢基奇，您知道我今晚在常规祈祷之外还特别祈祷了什么吗？”
“祈祷你功课能学好？”
“不是。”
“祈祷要玩具？”
“不是。您永远猜不到。一件很棒的事！但这是个秘密！等事情实现了我就告诉您。您猜不到吧！”
“不，我猜不到。你告诉我吧，”瓦西里·卢基奇带着罕见的微笑说，“好了，躺下吧，我要吹蜡烛了。”
“没有蜡烛，我能更清楚地看见我所看见的和我祈祷的。好了！我差点就说出了秘密！”谢廖扎快活地笑着说。
蜡烛被拿走后，谢廖扎听到了母亲的声音，感受到了她的存在。她站在他面前，用慈爱的目光抚爱着他。但接着，风车、小刀都来了，一切开始混淆，他睡着了。
After the lesson with the grammar teacher came his father’s lesson.
While waiting for his father, Seryozha sat at the table playing with a
penknife, and fell to dreaming. Among Seryozha’s favorite occupations
was searching for his mother during his walks. He did not believe in
death generally, and in her death in particular, in spite of what Lidia
Ivanovna had told him and his father had confirmed, and it was just
because of that, and after he had been told she was dead, that he had
begun looking for her when out for a walk. Every woman of full,
graceful figure with dark hair was his mother. At the sight of such a
woman such a feeling of tenderness was stirred within him that his
breath failed him, and tears came into his eyes. And he was on the
tiptoe of expectation that she would come up to him, would lift her
veil. All her face would be visible, she would smile, she would hug
him, he would sniff her fragrance, feel the softness of her arms, and
cry with happiness, just as he had one evening lain on her lap while
she tickled him, and he laughed and bit her white, ring-covered
fingers. Later, when he accidentally learned from his old nurse that
his mother was not dead, and his father and Lidia Ivanovna had
explained to him that she was dead to him because she was wicked (which
he could not possibly believe, because he loved her), he went on
seeking her and expecting her in the same way. That day in the public
gardens there had been a lady in a lilac veil, whom he had watched with
a throbbing heart, believing it to be she as she came towards them
along the path. The lady had not come up to them, but had disappeared
somewhere. That day, more intensely than ever, Seryozha felt a rush of
love for her, and now, waiting for his father, he forgot everything,
and cut all round the edge of the table with his penknife, staring
straight before him with sparkling eyes and dreaming of her.
“Here is your papa!” said Vassily Lukitch, rousing him.
Seryozha jumped up and went up to his father, and kissing his hand,
looked at him intently, trying to discover signs of his joy at
receiving the Alexander Nevsky.
“Did you have a nice walk?” said Alexey Alexandrovitch, sitting down in
his easy chair, pulling the volume of the Old Testament to him and
opening it. Although Alexey Alexandrovitch had more than once told
Seryozha that every Christian ought to know Scripture history
thoroughly, he often referred to the Bible himself during the lesson,
and Seryozha observed this.
“Yes, it was very nice indeed, papa,” said Seryozha, sitting sideways
on his chair and rocking it, which was forbidden. “I saw Nadinka”
(Nadinka was a niece of Lidia Ivanovna’s who was being brought up in
her house). “She told me you’d been given a new star. Are you glad,
papa?”
“First of all, don’t rock your chair, please,” said Alexey
Alexandrovitch. “And secondly, it’s not the reward that’s precious, but
the work itself. And I could have wished you understood that. If you
now are going to work, to study in order to win a reward, then the work
will seem hard to you; but when you work” (Alexey Alexandrovitch, as he
spoke, thought of how he had been sustained by a sense of duty through
the wearisome labor of the morning, consisting of signing one hundred
and eighty papers), “loving your work, you will find your reward in
it.”
