九

In short, my uncle embezzled my property. It was easily done during the three years I was away in Tokyo. I had left everything to my uncle without a care, and by worldly standards I was a true fool. Judged from a higher standpoint than the worldly one, perhaps I might be called a pure and noble man. Looking back on myself then, I cannot help but regret that I was not born more cunning; my excessive honesty pains me. Yet at the same time, a feeling arises that I should like to live once more, returning to that born-as-I-was state. Please remember: the me you know is the me after having been soiled by the dust. If one calls a man senior for having spent more years in defilement, then I am surely your senior.

If I had married my uncle's daughter as he wished, would the result have been materially advantageous to me? I think that needs no consideration. My uncle schemed to foist his daughter upon me. Rather than arranging matters kindly for the convenience of both families, he was driven by a far baser sense of self-interest in turning the marriage question toward me. I did not love my cousin, but I did not dislike her either; still, thinking back now, I find some small pleasure in having refused. Being deceived would have been the same either way, but in terms of how I was handled, not taking my cousin meant that things did not go entirely as the other side wished, so in that sense my will was somewhat asserted. But that is a trivial matter hardly worth mentioning. If I told you, who are unrelated, you would surely see it as a foolish point of pride.

Other relatives came between my uncle and me. I trusted none of those relatives either. Not only did I not trust them, I rather regarded them as enemies. The moment I realized my uncle had deceived me, I became convinced that the others must certainly deceive me as well. My logic was: if even my uncle, whom my father had praised so highly, was like this, then what of the rest?

Still, they gathered together everything that belonged to me. In terms of money, it amounted to far less than I had expected. I had only two options: to accept it in silence, or to take my uncle to court. I was angry. I was also troubled. I feared that a lawsuit would take a long time to settle. As a student in training, I thought being deprived of precious time was a terrible hardship. After deliberation, I decided to ask a middle-school friend of mine in the city to convert everything I received into cash. My friend advised me it would be better not to, but I would not listen. It was then that I resolved to leave my hometown for good. I swore in my heart never to look upon my uncle's face again.

Before leaving the country, I visited my parents' graves. I have not seen those graves since. Probably I shall never have the chance to see them again.

My old friend arranged things exactly as I had asked. Though that was, of course, long after I had reached Tokyo. In the countryside, fields and such do not sell easily, and when push comes to shove there is the fear of being cheated by those who size up your weakness, so the amount I received was far below market value. To confess: my property consisted only of some bonds I carried in my pocket when I left home, and the money my friend later sent me. As a parental inheritance, it had of course diminished greatly. And since I had not diminished it of my own will, the feeling was all the worse. Yet it was more than enough to live on as a student. In truth, I could not even use half the interest it yielded. This leisured student life of mine was what plunged me into an unforeseen situation.

“Stories of the world, in your language.”