二十四

“As a result of being treated that way by my wife, I gradually became more cheerful. Since I was aware of this, I tried to apply the same thing to K this time. I knew well from our long association that K and I differed considerably in character, but I thought that just as my own nerves had lost some of their rough edges after entering this household, K’s heart too would surely settle if he stayed here.

K was a man with a stronger resolve than me. He probably studied about twice as much as I did. Moreover, the natural quality of his mind was far better than mine. Later our specialties diverged so I cannot say, but while we were in the same grade, whether in middle school or in high school, K always took the top seat. I was so conscious from ordinary times that in whatever I did I could not match K. Yet when I forcibly dragged K to my home, I believed that I was the one who understood things better. To my way of thinking, he seemed not to grasp the distinction between endurance and patience. I particularly wish to add this for your sake, so please listen. Whether physical or mental, all our capacities develop or are destroyed by external stimuli; but since it is of course necessary to gradually strengthen the stimuli either way, if one does not think carefully, there is a danger of advancing in a very perverse direction without either oneself or those around noticing. From what the doctor explained, there is nothing as stubborn as the human stomach. If you eat only gruel, before you know it you lose the power to digest anything firmer. That is why the doctor says you must practice eating everything. But I do not think this merely means getting used to things. It must mean that as the stimulus is gradually increased, the resisting power of the nutritive function gradually grows stronger. If instead the stomach’s strength were to slowly weaken, you can immediately see what the result would be. K was a greater man than me, yet he was entirely unaware of this. He seemed to have concluded that once one grows accustomed to hardship, that hardship eventually becomes nothing. He seemed to firmly believe that by repeating hardships, the mere repetition accrues merit, and one will encounter the moment when those hardships no longer trouble the mind.

When I preached to K, I desperately wanted to make this point clear to him. But if I spoke, he would surely resist. I also thought he would certainly bring up examples of men from olden times. If so, I too would have to plainly state how those men differed from K. If K were the kind to accept that, it would be fine, but by his nature, once the argument reached that point he would not easily retreat. He would press further. And then he would set about realizing in action what he had advanced in words. When he became like this, he was a fearful man. He was great. He advanced while destroying himself. Seen from the result, he was great only in the sense of shattering his own success, yet even so he was by no means ordinary. Knowing his temperament well, I in the end could say nothing. Besides, from my view, as I mentioned before, he seemed somewhat afflicted with neurasthenia. Even if I had persuaded him, he would surely have grown agitated. I did not fear quarreling with him, but considering my own circumstance of being unable to bear the sense of loneliness, it was unbearable for me to place my dear friend K in the same lonely state. I disliked even more thrusting him a step further into a lonelier condition. So after he moved to my home, for a while I refrained from imposing any critical remarks upon him. I merely decided to calmly observe the effect his surroundings would have on him.

“Stories of the world, in your language.”